Speaking Out Silently

Well, the past few years have been consuming. I feel like the energy I use to direct in other areas, educational and professional, is all directed toward my husband and children now. Not that anything is wrong with that! But, I feel as if a part of me was fading. The first time I felt this is when I got married. I would say within the first two years of marriage, I felt my world shifting slowly towards the unknown. Frankly, it scared me quite a bit. Of course I reached out to my mother. She had sympathy, but now the ongoing question was, "What the heck did I just do to my inner self?" I felt alone and battered. A lot of things changed in my life. I use to have what I would call visions, lots of premonitions, and was able to sense many things about people just by the vibes they would give off by simply walking by or looking at them. This all changed when I married. Go figure! Well I figured my "self" would return after I settled down into marriage. I am still settling! Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever feel really comfortable in my marriage. Then there are the kids. Once again, another part of me faded. I became so depressed after our second child that I gave up hope on any more children. Of course there is a lot not being discussed here. I know the sources of my depression. I just know that I can not run away from them and was not dealing with them properly.

I think I now know what was fading and where it has gone! One word! Transference!

I had evolved emotionally, socially, interlectually, physically, and spiritually into a being who only had to really consider "self". When I married, I transferred so much of this energy to my husband, and then to my children. Now I know I would have done things differently if I could go back in time, but I don't think I am where I am now solely by my own doing. I believe GOD has me exactly where he wants me. Humbled! Truely... humbled! In recognizing GOD, and placing GOD as "first and foremost", I have been able to gain some of "me" back. In other words, I am being rebuilt! I am not fearful of this change, and quite honestly, welcome it! So to end this properly, I would liken what I have gone through from 94 to 09 as a whether forecast.... These past few days have been cloudy with occasional thunderstorms that sometimes had hail the size of golf balls, but the for the next few days, the skies are clearing up, we will see more sunshine and have time to come out of the house and partake in some of this great wheather. Now!.. Back to You CSG.