Round 1

Today, has been interesting. While everyone I know is worried about swine flu and playing dodge ball from anyone who may sneeze or look like they just came from Mexico, I have begun free online business courses and put my Neonatal business on hold. Man I had no idea that there was so much more I needed to understand. I have hustled in the past, but not on the level I am about to master. I am a dedicated person, and very hard to sway. Therefore, some of my support has become unsupportive in my efforts (not surprised). I only get a chance to really study after the kids are asleep. Therefore, sleep and I are not on good terms for now. God is working with me in other areas as well. Many people say I am too serious, and I look mean most of the time. Well I am working on the mean part, but the seriousness stays. Every minute counts. So if I see you in public somewhere, appear to be looking at you in a mean sorta way, and I fail to say hello, please know that I am not ignoring you, and I am not angry, its just that I am often focused on a thought or goal. Likewise, I tend to really focus on people when they are speaking to me, and some take that as being too intense. Well I can't change that either, but I am working on the smiling more part, and I think I am doing great! Well enough for now. Time for the daily workout! Walking the neighborhood with the Lil GRITS and wearing them out so that they will sleep throughout the night.

Call It What Cha Want, But I Know What I Need!

Took several attempts to create this post due to technical difficulties; however, here I go. This blog site is my therapy. I am currently in a strange place in life that many may not view so strange. I liken this feeling to being in a crowded place with no one in site. There, but not there.
I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a Child of GOD. I am a Child of GOD. I am somewhere strange and wish to be somewhere more fulfilling. I am something to everyone, but who am I to myself? I am cheating on myself.

Despite the fact that many outsiders may feel I have the perfect life, I have my battles. Everyone does. At some point, many of us feel that we are lacking some need in our lives. I am there. At first I did not know what it was I needed so badly, but I knew I had to figure it out. Now I know! Passion! My passion is misdirected... completely! I am in love with what I can't have, and only love what I do have. Did you catch that? In other words, my yard needs some work, it is not so attractive anymore. Time to do some gardening.

...time to resod, reseed, up root old things that were planted as flowers but took over as weeds, and realize that everything has its season. Departing from such things is the problem. From the beginning I already know that this will not be an easy feat. As with anything new, some things will work and others may not, but experience brings wisdom and knowledge if sought thru the right avenue. Likewise, feelings, pride, all sorts of emotions will be stirred, and that makes grounds for unwanted mental unrest, but it has to be done, or balance/happiness never returns.

So.... I am here, but not here. I have a lot of major gardening to do! So major, that I applied for a work permit thru GOD that I found was granted years ago. Funny how that was just sitting there... waiting for me! Man, this is going to be hard, and a lot of people will be affected, but I have to get back to me. This blog is my journey to a new garden.

GOD please give me strength to overcome my road blocks and set my eyes only on mastering that which awards me wisdom, knowledge, and happiness. GOD willing, may I love what I do and be in love with it the same....unchanging!

Speaking Out Silently

Well, the past few years have been consuming. I feel like the energy I use to direct in other areas, educational and professional, is all directed toward my husband and children now. Not that anything is wrong with that! But, I feel as if a part of me was fading. The first time I felt this is when I got married. I would say within the first two years of marriage, I felt my world shifting slowly towards the unknown. Frankly, it scared me quite a bit. Of course I reached out to my mother. She had sympathy, but now the ongoing question was, "What the heck did I just do to my inner self?" I felt alone and battered. A lot of things changed in my life. I use to have what I would call visions, lots of premonitions, and was able to sense many things about people just by the vibes they would give off by simply walking by or looking at them. This all changed when I married. Go figure! Well I figured my "self" would return after I settled down into marriage. I am still settling! Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever feel really comfortable in my marriage. Then there are the kids. Once again, another part of me faded. I became so depressed after our second child that I gave up hope on any more children. Of course there is a lot not being discussed here. I know the sources of my depression. I just know that I can not run away from them and was not dealing with them properly.

I think I now know what was fading and where it has gone! One word! Transference!

I had evolved emotionally, socially, interlectually, physically, and spiritually into a being who only had to really consider "self". When I married, I transferred so much of this energy to my husband, and then to my children. Now I know I would have done things differently if I could go back in time, but I don't think I am where I am now solely by my own doing. I believe GOD has me exactly where he wants me. Humbled! Truely... humbled! In recognizing GOD, and placing GOD as "first and foremost", I have been able to gain some of "me" back. In other words, I am being rebuilt! I am not fearful of this change, and quite honestly, welcome it! So to end this properly, I would liken what I have gone through from 94 to 09 as a whether forecast.... These past few days have been cloudy with occasional thunderstorms that sometimes had hail the size of golf balls, but the for the next few days, the skies are clearing up, we will see more sunshine and have time to come out of the house and partake in some of this great wheather. Now!.. Back to You CSG.

...and a new journey begins!

I woke up this morning with one mission that was absolutely pressing and that was to help a friend out. This has been an ongoing mission for quite some time. I find that I am constantly helping someone achieve their goals,and in turn, it makes me happy to see the mission accomplished. But wait just one minute! I am not talking about just any goal, I am talking about goals that an injustice or deterrent prevents from materializing. Goals that will enrich life!

Life is already challenging enough without having to constantly fight for simple rights, but sometimes this is what we have to do. I believe when someone or something wages trouble against those we hold close, we must suit up to help them, whether it is helping them find their keys to helping them find alternative ways around stumbling blocks. One thing is for sure! We cannot achieve our ultimate goals alone. We must have faith, wisdom, and understanding to form a support system that works even when we are out of sync, out of our realm of expertise, or when we have simply fallen.

We should each be this person to a friend, significant other, stranger, and sometimes to those we don't personally like!